Posts Tagged ‘infidelity’

The bustard that he is: Tigers are monogamous, except one

December 25, 2009

By David Farside

Dec. 21, 2009

Tiger Woods has just been selected by members of the Associated Press as the top athlete of the decade, this after he was caught committing adultery and having several mistresses. He may have even tried to run over his wife in their driveway while she was trying to beat him over the head with a four-iron as corporal punishment for his indiscretions.

Eldrick Tont Woods, nicknamed Tiger, has won 14 major golf championships, 16 world championships and a total of 71 PGA tour events. He reportedly earns more than $100 million a year including endorsements, has a beautiful, successful wife and two children. He may also have at least 14 female companions to chat with when he gets bored while puttering around on his estate in Florida. What more could a man want? Maybe six more mistresses.

Lance Armstrong, a cyclist who survived cancer and won the Tour de France six times, was second in the balloting. He probably needed a mistress or two to be considered in the same class as the Tiger.

An athlete is “one trained in the acts or feats of physical strength and agility.” Comparing the athletic abilities of both Woods and Armstrong, you have to wonder which one is the true athlete. Does it require more strength, stamina and agility to hit a golf ball or win a Tour de France six times?

The fact that golf is not considered an athletic sport by the International Olympic Committee should be reason enough to classify golf as just an outdoor exercise. It’s a pastime for anyone who has time to waste, can swing a club and can afford it. It’s a way to wager on who can find the hole with the fewest strokes, something Tiger seems to be an expert at, and provides a setting for business deals and corporate promotions. In my opinion, golf is like playing tiddlywinks without the stick.

Golfers argue golf is a sport because it takes great hand-eye coordination to play the game. That can also be said of pool players, but I don’t think Minnesota Fats thought of himself as an athlete.

Golfers always complain how tired they are after playing 18 holes on their way to the clubhouse for a stiff pick-me-up. Why should they be tired? They have a caddy to carry their bags or a golf cart to move them from mound to mound and the only exercise they get is bending over to pick the ball up out of the hole. That is, if they can find the hole. I guess they can’t all be Tigers.

On the other hand, ping-pong is a competitive Olympic event. It’s only a table game, but it requires athletic ability, strength, hand-eye coordination, endurance and dexterity. Now that’s a sport.

Maybe we should define a real athletic sport by how many calories you burn while playing the game.

One voting member of the Associated Press, Don Shelton, defended his vote for Tiger. He said he separated Tiger’s athleticism from his personal life. But is that a valid reason to vote for him? And, if it is, then why isn’t Pete Rose in the baseball Hall of Fame?

Rose played second base for the Cincinnati Reds and later became the team’s manager. He was the Major League leader in total hits, games played, at bats and outs. He also won three batting titles, three World Series rings and appeared in 17 All-Star games at five different positions.

Admitting that he wagered on his own team while managing and playing, the baseball Hall of Fame committee banned him from ever being enshrined in their halls of greatness. Baseball should follow the lead of Don Shelton and separate his personal addiction to gambling from his achievements on the field and lift their ban on Rose.

Earl Woods, Tiger’s father, gave him the nickname of “Tiger” in honor of his friend Vong Dang Phong, a soldier in the Vietnamese army. We had to know Woods didn’t get his nickname because he resembled the same qualities as a tiger living in the jungle. Wild tigers are not promiscuous, they are monogamous. Even ducks, geese, foxes, eagles and gray wolves are monogamous.

But Woods does resemble some wild animals. Joining Woods as one of the most promiscuous animals are: bears, birds of paradise, chimpanzees and the terrestrial birds, bustards. They were famous among the ancient Arabs for being stupid.

But Woods will survive. A year from now, his ex-wife will be engaged to a wealthy European soccer player. He will get back on the golf circuit by day and by night he will fly into the playboy club like a bird of paradise, jumping from woman to woman like a chimpanzee and acting just as stupid as the bastard that he is. It seems the typo is most appropriate.